Martians Relieved Gingrich Headed To Moon

An audible collective sigh of relief could be heard coming from Martian Sector 47B.1 as news spread that GOP candidate Newt Gingrich decided to colonize the moon instead of the Red Planet. "We lucked out", says Zhilgom-438, a martian who has inhabited the sector for several vimmwods. "We felt that zaffwagg values would drop significantly if the earthling decided to move here."

Gingrich said earlier this week that if elected president he would colonize the moon and make it the 51st state of the union. Prior to the decision, several Martian sectors joined forces to prepare for battle against the pudgy pol had he decided to land on the planet. "We ain't called the 'Angry' planet for nothing," said Zangomm-823, while cleaning his atomic vaporizer. "An adulterous ziggligg in not welcome here!"

Many Martian natives feared Gingrich and his entourage would have westernized the planet, and bring with them the inherent social problems that would be part of the transformation. But last-minute analyisis influenced the decision to target the moon because transporation costs are considerably less. "Sure, I feel bad about the Moon Men," said Zargott-250, a feen-addernist in the Felpoor frummwatt. "But at the end of the day you have to take care of your own."